Silent Hill: Ad Absurdum
by Phobos Synagogue
Summary: A series of random short stories influenced by Eugene Ionesco's The Bald Soprano. These stories violently throws the readers smack in the middle of chaos. Author's Note: People are used to mundane. They are used to routine, and they are used to simplicity


Heather and Harry Mason were seating at the kitchen table. They were not eating anything. Why do they have to be eating something in order to be sitting at a kitchen table? The hard fact is that Harry and Heather were sitting at a kitchen table, and not eating anything. Heather looked to her father and asked. "Dad, who is my mom?"

Harry trembled terribly. Beads of sweat started to run down his brow. His eyes began to water. He reached for a glass of water, and tried drinking it. His throat wouldn't work. What a mess. Heather stared slack jawed at her father. "Dad, everytime I ask you who my mother is you get like this!" Heather yelled that last part all while flinging her delicate teenage hands towards him. 

Harry gasped for air. He looked at Heather, and he knew just by looking into her pleading golden specked eyes that he would have to tell her. How would he tell his daughter that she was born by some deity?

"Heather, sweety, uhh are you sure you need to know?" Harry asked hoping she would forget.

"Da-a-ad!" Heather whined.

Harry sighed. Great, he would have to tell her. Harry took a deep breath. "Heather, you aren't like most girls."

"What do you mean?" Heather asked in a rather confused and whiny voice.

Harry took in another deep breath, and quickly exhaled. Then suddenly the door flew wide open and in walked James and Mary Sunderland. James and Mary hand in hand walked to the table and seated themselves. Heather glared at the two of them. Her father was about to reveal who her mother was, and these two had to barge in.

"Coffee?" Harry asked.

"If it wouldn't trouble you I would like an 8 oz cup of tea. I would like the water heated to exactly 200 degrees farenheit. I want two teabags, four mint leaves, and a tablespoon of honey to simmer in the water. Then I would like the tea brought to me in a pink tea cup." Mary ordered, but rather sweetly.

Harry stood up and started to make the tea. "So James what brings you here?" Harry asked.

"The funniest thing happened today. I recieved a letter from my dead wife asking me to come to Silent Hill."

Mary spoke up, "That's incredible! Just yesterday I wrote a letter to my husband asking him to come to Silent Hill!"

James was taken aback. "That's incredible! Anyways I went to Silent Hill and after a harrowing journey I discovered that I killed my wife."

Heather and Harry gasped in shock. Mary giggled and through her giggles said, "Oh that sounds so hilarious! You see my husband killed me!"

"How did he kill you?" James asked.

"He smothered me with a pillow!" Mary chuckled.

"Wow! That is such a coincidence! I killed my wife by smothering her with a pillow!" James shouted out with joy.

"Here's your tea." Harry said as he sat the cup down next to Mary.

"What was your wife's name?" Mary asked sipping her tea daintily.

"Her name was Mary."

Mary nearly choked on her tea, but regained her composure. "Wow! My name is Mary!"

"What was your husbands name?" James asked.

"His name was James!" Mary chuckled.

James gasped, "That is the most amusing of coincidences! You see my name is James too!"

Mary and James chuckled. Heather and Harry looked at the two with unbridled terror in their eyes. "Would you like to see my wife?" James asked.

"Sure!" Mary said sweetly.

James produced a picture of Mary and showed it to Mary. She looked at the picture and giggled. "She looks like such a nice woman. Want to see my husband?"

"Of course!" James answered, excitedly.

Mary reached into her skirt and brought out a photo of James, and showed it to James. "Amazing! He has a striking resemblence to me!" James exclaimed.

The two looked at each other and sighed. "I'm sure he/she would have liked to meet you." They both said in unison.

_And when the sailboat goes a sailing that is when the flames start a wailing!_

"SHUT UP!" Heather yelled.

Mary and James jumped in their seats. Harry ran to his daughter and placed an arm around her shoulder. "What's wrong Heather?"

"Dad, sometimes I hear this woman's voice and she says crazy things!" Heather cried.

Harry comforted his daughter.

_Now is your chance Heather! Throw yourself on him and demand that he take you!_

"That's disgusting! I will not do that!" Heather yelled.

"Shh, it's ok sweety!" Harry hugged her tighter.

"Dad, why do I hear this voice?" Heather sobbed.

Harry let out a sigh, "Heather, it is high time you found out who your mother is. You see, you are your own mother."

Heather died. She didn't faint. Oh no, she actually keeled over dead. Harry sighed, but somehow expected this to happen. Then suddenly a yellow light washed over Heather, and then, Heather was alive.

"Heather! You're alive!" Harry yelled with joy.

Heather raced to her dad, and wept, "Oh dad, it was so weird! I saw this woman wearing a white dress and she was singing Kumbaya, and then she turned into a young woman wearing a blue Japanese school outfit and she was playing jumprope with a girl that looked like a younger version of me. It was so weird dady!"

"Shhh, it's ok." Harry held his daughter, and he rocked her to sleep.

Is this the end? Find out next week when Heather discovers the documents of the adulturous affair between St. Jennifer and St. Nicholas!. Wooo!

**One Week Later**

"Husband I have began to feel as if maybe there is a higher power." A woman who looked alot like Alessa spoke.

"A higher power? How absurd my dear! How absurd of you to think of such a thing. Of course there is a higher power! It is the sun!" The man exclaimed.

"I know, but sometimes I wish the Sun could come down in human form. I see all the terrible fighting and it makes me weep." The woman looked at the man.

The man sighed and leaned back. His body was only covered by a small white sheet like cloth, and the only think covered was his snake. He smiled, "I know, you want a child dear."

"No! I want God to descend. I'm sick of living like this! Why just today Adam struck Aaron with a sharp stick. Now Aaron is bleeding profusely from the head and his wails are never ending. Is it too much to ask that our creator do something?" The woman cried out.

The man sat upright and wrapped his arms around his wife. She sighed. "Dear, if it would help matters I will see what can be done." 

"Thankyou." She smiled.

The two held each other. That is until the man dropped his wife and she fell over with a thunk. "I got it!"

"Owww..." The woman groaned.

"I know how we can get God to descend to earth. It's so simple! I'll offer my penis to the sun, and you'll offer your...umm..." He paused staring dutifully at the woman's crotch.

The woman rolled her eyes, "It's called a vagina."

"Right, right, you can offer your furry cavern to the sun!" He apparently had ignored his wife.

"And just how the hell is this going to descend God?" She snapped, not the least bit pleased over what her husband had called her vagina.

The man looked hurt, "I think it would work. God would bless us."

The woman glared. The husband smiled.

1 minute later

"You know, maybe it is high time I descend to earth and do something." The God noted while seated on her throne looking down.

She saw some man and woman doing something. It looked like they were hurting each other. "No, wait, they're having sex. I forgot I gave humans the ability to breed."

The God with a stretch and a sigh descended down to earth.

Next week find out what happens when Stanley and Leonard play chess!

**The Next Week.**

"Dad, I keep having these weird dreams." Heather told her father through bites of Safeway Select strawberry toaster pastries. 

"What are these dreams Heather?" Harry asked. 

Heather proceeded to explain the dreams. 

_Dream!_

"HA! You got defeated Incubus! HA! HA! HAAA!" A young woman in white dress taunted. 

The Incubus, who looked like a bastardized version of Baphomet roared, "I am not defeated so easily!"

The woman and the demon glared into each other for the longest time. Then suddenly "PAPER ROCK SCISSORS!" They both yelled at the same time.

They pounded their fists against their hands three times. Each one revealed their weapon of choice. The Incubus gave out a dry heave. He had used rock, but the Woman had used paper. 

"You were defeated. Leave now, and never return!" The woman commaned him. 

Incubus plopped himself on the floor and threw a screaming temper tantrum. His fists, and wings beating the floor with such intensity that it was a wonder that Harry and those others hadn't noticed. The woman rolled her eyes, and zapped Incubus with lightning. He died. Then she yelled, "Alessa!" 

Alessa appeared out of nowhere. "Yeah?"

"Listen, I'm going to magically appear to Harry. I will give him a baby and that baby will be you. I hope you understand that this is so I can be reborn properly."

Alessa cried, and then shot herself. How she got the gun is of absolutely no importance. 

_End Dream._

"Heather, have you ever eaten sushi?" Harry asked.

Next week find out what happens when Alessa from SH1 and Alessa from the Movie meet!

**The Next Week.**

Heather's body contorted in pain. She had made a mistake in shooting at Claudia. 

"Oh God! Bring us Salvation!" Claudia cried out to the Heavens.

Heather's body racked with pain. Her insides began to churn violently. Heather felt as if she would explode at any moment. Then suddenly….

"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

The pews shook violently. Claudia was knocked down on her ass. Vincent's skin was missing. The paintings had been ripped apart. Claudia finally gained her composure and she looked at Heather with a look of sheer terror in her eyes. 

"What. Was. That?"

Heather breathed in deeply. Then she smiled. "It was just gas! Those labor pains were only gas!" 

"Just gas? But, what about the God?" Claudia sobbed. 

Suddenly a light appeared from above. An angelic voice then filled the room. "Claudia and Alessa you have both done so well! Receive the joys of thou Lord!" 

Claudia and Heather watched stupified as they witnessed a cheesecake descending down from Heaven. "This is God?" Heather asked.

Claudia eyed the cheesecake. "God works in mysterious ways! Praise the Lord!" Claudia raced to the cheesecake, and started slicing it up.

Heather stood and watched. Claudia offered her a slice. Heather shrugged, sat next to Claudia and ate a piece of Cheesecake. Then Valtiel, Vincent, and Alessa appeared out of nowhere and ate some more of the cheesecake. 

"God is delicious!" Heather shouted out joyously.

Everyone else laughed.

Find out what happens next week when Valtiel gets his robe caught on one of the valves!


End file.
